i am no expert in friendster but i do suspect that when someone answers your invite with a "no" or "block user," more likely than not you won't see it again on your waiting confirmation page and worse, you will never be notified of the invitee's answer.  your invite just simply… disappears. 

my theory is it was the wife who rejected my invite.  when you are a couple and you only have one friendster profile between you, chances are it was the wife that created it;  she's the one that holds the password; she updates the page;  she's the one that has the say as to whom to invite as well as who to accept and reject. 

so yes, i point my finger at her.  and i would like to believe that the ex doesn't have any idea about all this, otherwise it means he's in on it and the sting of rejection will hurt twice as much.  because really, he has no reason — no reason whatsoever — to not want to be my friend, 12 years after the fact. 

wasn't he the one who left me hanging with a marriage proposal that he never followed through on? 

he fell in love with me during our college years.  i broke up with him because he was way too serious and i wasn't about ready to give up my dreams of becoming a lawyer.  he continued to follow me around.  all his friends begged me to take him back.  he came here to the US, wrote me long love letters, went back for me and proposed marriage.  which i stupidly said yes to because it was all so romantic, this idea of a boy who was still in love with me despite it all.  and then he left, both of us acting all sad, and i never heard from him again.

i spent precious pesos calling him up telling him it was off — this promise to marry each other — and promptly returned the ring to his grandmother.  i didn't wait for him to explain.  not that he had anything to say by way of explanation.  clearly, he had changed his mind and i just wanted it over and done with, the whole charade.

my ego took a hard beating but my heart was intact. which is why, years later, when i ran into his stepmom and she told me he was now married and had a baby boy, i was only too happy for him.  and which is why, now that we are in the same country,  i wanted him to be my friend on friendster.

too bad,  catching up would have been grand.  we would've have laughed like crazy over that marriage proposal.  and i would have wanted to get to know the wife and kids (i saw two on the headshot). 

i met him for the first time this afternoon and he had the honor of doing my first ever pap smear.  i'm pretty sure in this country where teenage sex and pregnancy, birth control and the plan B medication are topics not worth flinching about, having a woman of 33 come into his office saying she hasn't had a pap smear in her life must've have been quite a shock.  that is, if doctors are still capable of being shocked. 

he explained the three-step process of my first ever pap smear:  first, an examination  of the external and internal reproductive organ — the skin around and inside the vagina, the pubic hair, etc.  second, inserting the speculum  inside the vagina and collecting cervical cells for testing.  and third, inserting two fingers into the vagina to check the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries. 

the whole time this was going on, he was talking a mile a minute, explaining each step and easing up my discomfort — over the metal coldness of the speculum and the very slight pain it brought and over the general fact that any examination that requires a woman to open her legs is always an embarassing experience (for me at least) — by dispensing funny remarks. 

on the outset, everything looks good he said.  there are no indications of any abnormalities or problems.  but there are more tests to undergo, more appointments with other doctors perhaps, to find out why, after all these years of trying, we still can't have a baby.  in the meantine, he gave me the following recommendations:

1.  take prenatal vitamins (ask any pharmacist, they would know)
2.  stop using feminine wash (the vagina is not meant to be squeaky clean;  in any case, it is self-cleaning)
3.  have my thyroid levels checked every 6 weeks

in three months, we should have a clear idea where we're at in this baby-making venture.  and despite my aversion for lab tests and x-rays and what-have-you, i will endure.  i know dr. Z will take care of me — equally if not more than any female OB-GYN would. 

so today, i was ready. i told myself i was just gonna grin and bear it. i was looking at that bed and i said to myself, "he's a doctor. he's seen everything. it won't be too bad."

but it didn't happen. because the hub and i voiced out that we've been wanting to have a baby, our primary care physician said that it would be better if i have all the tests done with my OB-GYN. he gave me a referral and that was that.

fast forward to choosing an OB-GYN. i had three choices: one female and two males. i chose one of the males, as he was recommended to me by one of the hub's nurse friend's wife who gave birth recently.

while most women would feel comfortable with a woman OB-GYN, i, surprisingly, don't share the same sentiment. maybe because the hub himself is a doctor (aside from being a nurse) and he tells me all the time that doctors see everything from a medical point of view and don't care however a certain body part looks. or maybe because I am just really curious about men OB-GYNs.

whatever it is, i've made my choice.

i have two weeks to get ready (again).

the whole process has been one big adventure — from the time we made an offer to the time we finally settled the closing costs and subsequently got our keys.  three months.  three months i suffered sleepless nights and stressful days.  will our loan get approved?  will we have enough money to cover the closing costs?  who will help us move?  will we be able to buy furniture and appliances?  can we afford the mortgage payments?

all this time, the hub has been surprisingly calm.  he who does not buy anything — a pair of shoes on sale, or a much-coveted sound system — without first sleeping on it.  he who does not take risks.  he who would not be convinced to make an offer on the house until sufficiently nagged…  yes, he was the calmer one. 

and as it turned out, all that stress and worrying had been all for nothing.  there were no glitches of any kind, no snags along the way.  everything went smoothly. 

however, i would like to believe that all my worrying ensured such silky smoothness.   because i thought of all the worst possible scenarios, they didn't happen.  kind of like how when you dream bad dreams you need to tell somebody about them so the opposite happens. 

yeah, kind of like that.

of course, the hub would beg to differ.

but a bigger part of me wants to maintain the status quo.  i am, after all, a housewife with only the hub to be responsible for  (and already, i have a big baby in my care, LOL).  my time is my own.  as long as i keep him fed and clothed and the house sufficiently clean, i have more than enough time to take care of me. 

i love taking care of me. 

tell me, at 33, am i still allowed to be selfish and just a little bit scared?